Avatar Movie Review and the Crazy Ass Blue People!

Avatar

 

Saw Avatar Sunday with my buddy Cheeto Taylor. We went to the IMAXX in Estero and had to wear these big 3-d glasses.

Cheeto thought it was the coolest thing ever because he never took off his Oakleys the whole time while he wore those stupid 3-d glasses.

I normally don’t review movies but this one was special, especially because I paid $20 for a ticket!

Anways the movie was really good even though it was longer than the  line at Circle K when they mark down Moon Pies!

The blue people are flat-out nuts. They have hair that hooks up with plants and animals, they are forty feet tall and the woman have small titties.

I would have loved to seen Predator come out the Tree of Dreams, or whatever it was called, shooting his cannons at the chick from Alien.

You can’t hide from the Predator Sihorny Weaver!

Spolier Alert—They all die!!

Just kidding!

I can recommend this movie but make sure you take a dump and a piss before you walk in the movie because it as long as our dinners at Sonny’s all you can pulled pork night.

Adios!

Cold Front in the Everglades Last Night and Avatar!

Everglades Winter

 

Sometimes in Florida it gets colder than shit! Last night a cold front came through it got down to 40 degrees in the Everglades! 

Thankfully my wife, Harley Tucker, is huge and she just laid on me all night so I stayed warm. 

I thought at first she wanted to do a little up and down tango mamba if you know what I mean? 

She really was just trying to get to my Big Gulp of Mountain Dew that I have on the side of my bed and fell asleep reaching for it. 

Poor old girl loves her some Mountain Dew but damn near suffocated me. Think she bruised my ribs and maybe shattered my spleen. 

I have no damn idea where my spleen is or what it does but something hurts in my ribble area. 

Anyways, I am going to see Avatar this weekend with my buddy Cheeto Taylor so that should be interesting. 

Hopefully it ain’t some Hollywood preaching story about what a horrible human being I am. 

Anyways this has been Ronny Tucker saying “Half price milk ain’t all it’s cracked up to be”

RIP Luanne Platter aka Brittany Murphy

I love you!

 

RIP Luanne Platter!

She was pronounced dead at the age of 32 years old from cardiac arrest.

How the hell does a 32 year old die of cardiac arrest? I hope the cops are looking real hard for Buckley or Rad! I know one of them boys was in on it!

Luanne, your sweet voice will be missed by millions of your fans.

There will never be another like you and there never should be because they broke the mold when they made you!

Luanne also played the voice for Brittany Murphy.

God I am going to miss those red spandex!!

Ace For Men Toenail Clippers

Ace Toe Nail Clipper

  

Howdy! This is Ronny Tucker with HillbillyHygiene.com with this weeks product review of “Ace For Men Toenail Clippers”   

My belt sander busted last November when I was trimming my nails and so I was excited when my wife, Harley, gave this to me last Christmas even though I did not think they would work.  

Before my wife gave these clippers to me my toenails looked like a mix between driftwood and concrete that was painted yellow.  

For my entire life I have not been able to use normal nail clippers but these clippers actually cut through my toenail so much that it sent them flying across the room.  

I think one of my toenails actually went through the screened front door.  

It was like I was throwing redneck Chinese Stars with my feet.  

One of the toe nails got stuck in the wall so we just used it to hang a glamour shot of Harley with a bucket of Popeye’s chicken.  

I don’t know what looked more delicious…..the bucket of chicken or the drumstick that was stuck underneath her 3^rd chin  

Anyhow if you got Dinosaur toenails like myself give this a try.  

Just remember that you still have to sand your toenails down after you cut them or you’ll cut your shoes off your own feet.  

This has been Ronny Tucker with HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Toenail’s ain’t supposed to be as thick as phone books”

Sweet Feet Chocolate Tea Foot Syrup Foot Soak

Sweet Feet Chocolate Tea Foot Syrup

 

Howdy! This is Ronny Tucker with HillbillyHygiene.com with this weeks products review of “Sweet Feet Chocolate Tea Foot Syrup Foot Soak”

Yes this stuff is real and gets my old lady hot! My old lady makes me use this stuff almost every other night! She actually loves to pour the Syrup in a five gallon bucket and mix in some marshmallows and peanuts. She gets my feet going pretty fast by using a certain technique that I can’t even write about.

You can read between the lines I hope!

Anyways, once she is done giving me the old hookedyadoo and my feet have mixed up the syrup, marshmallows and peanuts, she then eats em right off my feet!

My feet are constantly brown from chocolate stains but I really don’t give a damn since I wear long tube socks.

My wife, Harley Tucker, is a big woman and has no problem eating……a lot!

She loves eating.

I love what she does to me when she is eating it.

I highly recommend this to any guy who has a big woman who is not afraid to do whatever it takes!

This has been Ronny Tucker of HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Feet and BJ’s (Wholesale Club) are a good thing!”

Burt’s Bees – Grapefruit and Sugar Beet Shampoo

Burt's Bee Grapefruit and Sugar Beet Shampoo

Howdy fellas! This is Ronny Tucker with this weeks HillbillyHygiene.com mens product review. This week I am reviewing Burt Bee’s Grapefruit and Sugarbeet Shampoo.

Where do I start with Burt? He seems like an alright guy since he looks one of my favorite wrestlers of all time Hillbilly Jim!

Man, when him and his whole family including Uncle Elmer and cousin Luke would come out to “Don’t Go Messing With a Country Boy” I would throw my cereal bowl across the room and start square dancing. My momma thought I was insane since I was by myself but what an inspiration he was!

Back to Burt Bee.

I will make this one pretty easy for you and my spell check button.

I would like to ask the men a question.

Do you want your hair to smell like Grapefruit and Sugarbeets?

I didn’t think so! Go buy some Pert!

This has been Ronny Tucker with HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Free don’t mean free unless you are drinking out of a lake”

Billy Jealousy Liquid Sand Exfoliating Facial Cleanser

Billy Jealousy Liquid Sand Exfoliating Facial Cleanser

Howdy fellas! This week Hillbilly Hygiene will be reviewing “Billy Jealousy Liquid Sand Exfoliating Facial Cleanser”.

I love this product if I wanted to bathe in SAND!

I know why people are jealous about Billy. It’s because he is a marketing genius! To be able to call your soap SAND instead of what it really is and that’s DIRT! Change his product name to Liquid Dirt and see how many he sells.

I think he knows the answer to that one….. and by the way if you are scrubbing your face with wet dirt you probably are going to look like a mix between Freddy Krueger and Brother Love with a splash of Sloth from Goonies! You just ain’t going to look normal…..you just ain’t!

Let’s talk  about the product a little bit. There is nothing wrong with trying different things in the shower but washing with dirt shouldn’t be one of em.

I thought we were smarter in America!

You shower and bath to get rid of dirt but if you wash with dirt you never get rid of dirt. Doing this is like taking a dump with your underwear on. It’s gonna get ugly!

Don’t buy this stuff and if you really want to give it a whirl go out in your yard, put some dirt in a bucket, pour a bottle of soap in it and fill it with water and dump on it on your head. Saved you $20!

This has been Ronny Tucker with HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Pork, Pork and more Pork!”

Adam Lambert Kissed a Guy!! Who Gives a S__t?

 

So the gay guy from American Idol, Adam Lambert, kissed another guy. Shocking!

 

Does this really shock anyone?

 

What shocks me more is how bad he sucks at singing! I wished he kissed a guy the entire 5 minutes of his painful song!

 

It reminded me of my wife, Harley, at Mug’s & Jugs Karoke after 17 PBR’s and then mixed with a raccoon that just got hit by a cement truck with a topping of the Skunk Ape mating call!

 

He SUCKED!

 

Made my back hair stand up and my ass hair lay down!

 

I’ll give him credit though, He has got some big balls! Maybe big labia…..I have no idea if he is a guy or a girl but I guess I am saying that he has guts……and probably hairy labia.

 

 

I Saved a Fat Ladies Life at The Liver and Onion’s 100 Eatin Contest

I Saved a Fat Ladies Life at The Liver and Onion’s 100 Eatin Contest

 

Yeah I know it ain’t cool to call someone fat but when she costs you your third straight Liver and Onion’s Classic Championship you get a little bitter! So here’s the story of this big ole woman who spoiled my Threepeat

 

The Table Was Set and She Came to Eat

 

I had already won the Liver and Onion’s two years in a row and was looking to make it a third. The plates came out piping hot and I purposely didnt eat for three hours so I was starving. Suzie Badwick was serving me my portions four plates at a time and she knew to keep them coming because I meant business.

 

I get pretty crazy at these eatin contests and my showmanship really comes out. After I ate every plate I would point out into the crowd like Elvis while doing my famous hip gyrations and then lick the plate clean and spike it like a football! I was on fire and the sellout crowd of 24 people loved it!

 

Then the Fat Lady Ruined It

 

I was sitting besides Natalie Jebitt and when I say I was sitting beside her I really mean that I was sitting besides several feet of her blown out lard thighs. Natalie is by far the biggest woman in the Everglades and probably the entire U.S. not counting Rosie O’Donnell who I have not seen in awhile but I am sure Rosie at least weighs a couple tons or more by now. Natalie is one of those ladies who always breaths heavy even if she is just watching T.V. She has to push up on a table to get out of her chair and always snaps the table in half even though the table was made of lighter pine.

 

Hell, the last booth she sat in was at the Sonny’s and she got so stuck that our local retired military helicopter pilot, Squirely Jones, had to come in and airlift her to Edward’s Lumber to be sawed out of the dangum table.

 

She is HUGE!

 

Well we were about half way through the 14 minute time limit and I was destroying everyone and the only keeping up with me was Natalie. She was huffing and sucking the liver down and I really was feeling the heat from all the gravy that was sprayed across her body. Gravy shrapnel was literally cooking on her body!

 

I think she tried to eat the plate or all four livers went down her throat at once or her over worked tonsils couldn’t take it anymore. Either way she keeled over and turned purple form the lack of oxygen because she  was choking. Mind you she had always been purple since she got such crappy circulation to her head but now she wasn’t breathing either.

 

Natalie Caused the Tidal Wave in Phuk You Thailand

 

I am pretty sure that when she hit the ground it was enough to start the groundswell of waves that ultimately destroyed Phuk You, Thailand with a tidal wave. It sounded like the garbage truck dumping a dead elephant in the back of the rig on an early quiet morning.

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

 

Peolpe in our town to this day still swear that tremors come out of nowhere and blame her. It’s like she knocked the earths crust loose right below the Everglades.

 

She Tasted Like the Fried Food Portion of the Ponderosa Buffet

 

Everyone else had a concussion from the shock wave but I was ok since I am married to heavy woman and know how to handle the biggins. I saw she was choking and I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I jumped on top of her huge body and started to give her mouth to mouth but considering the amount of gravy in her mouth I really didn’t mind

 

I felt like I was making out with the fried food portion of the Ponderosa buffet while pushing down on both hands like I was trying to push on  a bounce house at your kid’s birthday party.

 

After several long gravy filled breaths she spat up what looked like a small gravy covered goat and was back to life.

 

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief except Natalie. She seized the opportunity to eat more of her liver because I was having  trouble gettin my appetite back. The judges never enacted Section 5.2 of the by laws which clearly states that time and eatin should be stopped due to any contestants medical reasons.

 

I can tell you that everything she spit up got ate and then some. She flat-out beat me fair and square. You can never leave it up to judges and I did! Never again!

 

You can bet next year I am going to let her choke!

 

Well, that’s about it!

 

 

I Used to Cast Net Plankton!

 

I used to Cast Net for Plankton

 

Once I got booted out of Vo-Tech, I had to find a new way to make money. My buddy Clint Snicker had just saw some fishing show on PBS and decided that we could make a living catching plankton with a cast net and then selling them to Sea World for a pretty penny.

 

Clint has always been more of a business man, having several different businesses before our plankton cast netting business which is why I trusted him.

 

I mean, if you can run a garage sale every weekend, paint fire hydrants during the day and at night repair flip-flops you are just like Donald Trump in my book.

 

Cast Netting For Plankton is Not Easy!

 

It took us a couple months to find out where the plankton where at in the water, mainly because they are really,really small. After a couple months our boat smelled like a mixture of shaved ass hair coooked over an open diesel flame with a shtiload of Everglades seasoning.

 

Once we found the plankton it was all a matter of catching them and we were going to be millionaires. We were on top of the plankton for months throwing all of Clint’s different cast nets but they all sucked!

 

Plankton Are Slippery Bastards

 

Those plankton are slippery and  they always managed to escape our nets. They are very elusive creatures! After 6 months in the Gulf of Mexico we had caught 9 plankton.

 

Clint and I had a heart to heart after our boat got sunk by Hurricane Reggie. We decided to sell our supplies to Clint’s cousin, and then contacted Sea World to sell our 9 plankton.

 

They were cool about it and paid us $.09 even though we were never even a licensed a plankton dealer.

 

And that’s about it.