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Archive for March, 2009

 

This is Ronny Tucker from HillbillyHygiene.com and this week I am reviewing Jack Blacks “Face Buff Energizing Scrub”.

 

 

First off, “buffing your face”?? Huh?? Jack Black being an experienced comedic actor should know better than to treat your nose like the hood of 1978 Ford T-Bird. Something happened to that guy since he did that movie “Shallow Hal”. He went from being a funny fat actor to sellin products that make guys worry about their “congested pores and dead facial cells”. Him and Arnold need to work together on my dream movie “Commando Two: Taliban No More” so they can both get their cahones back.

 

Anyways, check out the main ingredients on the bottle: Vitamin C, licorice and Menthol I wonder if I’m putting rocket fuel mixed with a swig of O.J. and a twizzler on my face. Now I got to remind you that this product smells like my 7 year old niece before she goes off to school. Notice I said before she goes to school and not after because the poor girl smells like the Skunk Ape when she gets home. The stink can only be stopped by taking a bath in Tomato Juice and hot sauce before she goes to bed. Damn kids at school call her Red Skinned Rhonda but she’s a good girl.

 

Anyways, this has been Ronny Tucker from HillBillyHygiene.com saying “Beans, Butter and Cardboard”

 

And that’s about it.

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 This is Ronny Tucker of www.HillbillyHygiene.com and this week I reviewed “Molton-Brown Radiant Lili-Pili Hairwash”.

 

 

 

 

At first I thought my old lady Harley was playing a trick on me when she said that there was a HAIRWASH named Lili-Pili. I didn’t even have to open the bottle to know what it smelled like. I’d bet a dime to a doughnut that within five minutes of putting this stuff in your hair, you’d be wearing a headband, tight shorts and a red tank top dancing around with that afro headed Richard Simmons.

 

Now I ain’t got no problem with Richard Simmons but I just don’t want to look like him or actually act like him either. Seems like a nice guy though.

 

Now “Lili-Pili” came from the Australian Rain Forest……Am I the only one that didn’t know Australia had a rain forest? I need to watch Crocodile Dundee again because I musta missed that part because I couldn’t stop staring at that Shelia girl.

 

Anyways, I guess Molton-Brown found a way to bottle the whole rainforest and turn it into an expensive shampoo. Good for them I guess? This stuff also has rice vinegar in it which would probably taste good on your fried catfish but shouldn’t be going in your hair. That is of course unless you get concrete in your hair then everyone knows you can use vinegar and WD-40 and it will come right out.

 

Now that piece of advice didn’t cost you $28 like this bottle so you’re welcome.

 

Thats about it!

 

This has been Ronny Tucker from www.HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Kill the Koala”.

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 This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com with this weeks product review of  “Philip B Scent of Santa Fe Shampoo”

 

 

 

Now I don’t know if any of yall have been to Mexico but it don’t smell like something you want to put in your hair. I mean for the love of HeyZeus why would anyone want their hair to smell like donkeys and burritos.

 

My buddy Hairlip Miles used this stuff and the next thing ya know the old boy was dancing the Macarena to a Mariachi Band at his daughters Quinceanos and hell she is only three.

 

Now an unknown fact is that this stuff comes from the Sangre De Cristo Mountains which is the exact same place where that Chupacabre feller lives that kills goats and steals chicken eggs. Many people who are dumber than Ronny don’t knwo that the Latin translation of Chupacabre is Guta-Malyan which actually means small Mexican with sharp pointy teeth.

 

With that being said I can only recommend this product to hobos and hairlips.

 

So this has been Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com saying “Adios Verde Zapatos!!”

 

Thats about it!

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 This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com with this week’s product review of “Schwarzkopf Professional Men Vitalizing Shampoo”.
 
 
Just like the price of diesel the stuff SUCKS!

 

Well how the mighty have fallen. How does a great American hero go from a 4 star general in Desert Storm to Sgt. Shampoo in 17 years. I mean in 1991 Stormin Norman beat Sadam Hussien like a Jeff Gordon Fan at an Earnhardt rally and now he is peddling follicle volumizer.

 

This just in….Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf is balder than an Arkansas Chestnut. What does he do? Put a bunch of Patriot Missiles in each bottle to intercept split ends like they’re Scud Missiles. So here’s the deal Schwazrkopf is a genuine military legend that really never finished the job just like his crap shampoo.

 

Just like the price of diesel the stuff SUCKS!

This has been Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com saying “God Bless America and Beef Jerky”

 

Thats about it!

 

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This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com with this week’s men’s product review of Geo F Trumper Spanish Leather Cologne.
 
 

El Mooo-O

 

 

Now look here, I ain’t racist but Spanish folks just don’t smell right and this stuff maybe the reason.

 

Since I didn’t know there was such a thing as Spanish Leather I guess that means there are Spanish Cows. Now does that mean there are cows in some field in Mexico wearing a sombrero, squirting tequila out their nipples and yelling out “El Mooo-O” Does that Spanish cow poop piñatas instead of Patties?

 

You can bet a peso to a park bench that these Spanish Cows are stealing American Cows hay while they ain’t looking. Unless you want starving cows in America don’t buy this stuff.

 

This has been Ronny Tucker with www.HillBillyHygiene.com saying “Mow your own yard!”

 

Thats about it!

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This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillbillyHygiene.com with this week’s men’s product review of Fudge Hair Putty.

 

Shut your old lady up with some fudge!

 

Now as good as this stuff sounds, it don’t taste like you think. I shoulda known better than to buy my fudge pudding in the shampoo aisle because this stuff made my mouth freeze up like my bird dog Hank when he is on a group of red breasted willywhoppers. I had to call my buddy Clint Snicker to come over with his Dremmel to grind it all out.

 

Now this gave me a good idea because my old lady Harley never stops yapping when I’m trying to watch “Monkeys with Wrenches” on CMT. I put a whole a case of Fudge Hair Putty in the fridge knowing that she couldn’t pass it up. I watched her eat the whole case and she hasn’t talked in 6 weeks, 9 hours, 4 minutes and 27 seconds but whose counting.

 

Getcha some of this stuff if you want peace and quiet.

 

Thats about it!

 

This has been Ronny Tucker with www.HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Pine Tree bark makes for some hurtin turds”

 

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This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com with this week’s men’s product review of “Colonel Conk Moustache Wax.”
 

In memory of Cooky Tucker

 

 

First off let’s give our proper respect to Colonel Conk for winning the Battle of Bad Moustaches in 1863. A little known fact is that my Great, Great Grandaddy Cooky Tucker shot the Colonel right in the face from 20 yards that tragic day. The bullet bounced right off of Conk’s infamous moustache and went straight through Cooky’s Cast Iron Pot helmet, killing him right on the spot.

 

The rebel army never recovered due to malnourishment since they couldn’t eat his hearty Possum and Dirt Pie.

 

I will never buy this wax or recommend it because I can’t forgive Colonel Conk for killing Cooky with his ole ungodly handle bar Moustache.

 

This has been Ronny Tucker of www.HillBillyHygiene.com sayin “RIP Cooky Tucker”.

 

Thats about it!

 

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