I Saved a Fat Ladies Life at The Liver and Onion’s 100 Eatin Contest
Yeah I know it ain’t cool to call someone fat but when she costs you your third straight Liver and Onion’s Classic Championship you get a little bitter! So here’s the story of this big ole woman who spoiled my Threepeat
The Table Was Set and She Came to Eat
I had already won the Liver and Onion’s two years in a row and was looking to make it a third. The plates came out piping hot and I purposely didnt eat for three hours so I was starving. Suzie Badwick was serving me my portions four plates at a time and she knew to keep them coming because I meant business.
I get pretty crazy at these eatin contests and my showmanship really comes out. After I ate every plate I would point out into the crowd like Elvis while doing my famous hip gyrations and then lick the plate clean and spike it like a football! I was on fire and the sellout crowd of 24 people loved it!
Then the Fat Lady Ruined It
I was sitting besides Natalie Jebitt and when I say I was sitting beside her I really mean that I was sitting besides several feet of her blown out lard thighs. Natalie is by far the biggest woman in the Everglades and probably the entire U.S. not counting Rosie O’Donnell who I have not seen in awhile but I am sure Rosie at least weighs a couple tons or more by now. Natalie is one of those ladies who always breaths heavy even if she is just watching T.V. She has to push up on a table to get out of her chair and always snaps the table in half even though the table was made of lighter pine.
Hell, the last booth she sat in was at the Sonny’s and she got so stuck that our local retired military helicopter pilot, Squirely Jones, had to come in and airlift her to Edward’s Lumber to be sawed out of the dangum table.
She is HUGE!
Well we were about half way through the 14 minute time limit and I was destroying everyone and the only keeping up with me was Natalie. She was huffing and sucking the liver down and I really was feeling the heat from all the gravy that was sprayed across her body. Gravy shrapnel was literally cooking on her body!
I think she tried to eat the plate or all four livers went down her throat at once or her over worked tonsils couldn’t take it anymore. Either way she keeled over and turned purple form the lack of oxygen because she was choking. Mind you she had always been purple since she got such crappy circulation to her head but now she wasn’t breathing either.
Natalie Caused the Tidal Wave in Phuk You Thailand
I am pretty sure that when she hit the ground it was enough to start the groundswell of waves that ultimately destroyed Phuk You, Thailand with a tidal wave. It sounded like the garbage truck dumping a dead elephant in the back of the rig on an early quiet morning.
Peolpe in our town to this day still swear that tremors come out of nowhere and blame her. It’s like she knocked the earths crust loose right below the Everglades.
She Tasted Like the Fried Food Portion of the Ponderosa Buffet
Everyone else had a concussion from the shock wave but I was ok since I am married to heavy woman and know how to handle the biggins. I saw she was choking and I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I jumped on top of her huge body and started to give her mouth to mouth but considering the amount of gravy in her mouth I really didn’t mind
I felt like I was making out with the fried food portion of the Ponderosa buffet while pushing down on both hands like I was trying to push on a bounce house at your kid’s birthday party.
After several long gravy filled breaths she spat up what looked like a small gravy covered goat and was back to life.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief except Natalie. She seized the opportunity to eat more of her liver because I was having trouble gettin my appetite back. The judges never enacted Section 5.2 of the by laws which clearly states that time and eatin should be stopped due to any contestants medical reasons.
I can tell you that everything she spit up got ate and then some. She flat-out beat me fair and square. You can never leave it up to judges and I did! Never again!
You can bet next year I am going to let her choke!
Well, that’s about it!