Archive for October, 2009

I Saved a Fat Ladies Life at The Liver and Onion’s 100 Eatin Contest


Yeah I know it ain’t cool to call someone fat but when she costs you your third straight Liver and Onion’s Classic Championship you get a little bitter! So here’s the story of this big ole woman who spoiled my Threepeat


The Table Was Set and She Came to Eat


I had already won the Liver and Onion’s two years in a row and was looking to make it a third. The plates came out piping hot and I purposely didnt eat for three hours so I was starving. Suzie Badwick was serving me my portions four plates at a time and she knew to keep them coming because I meant business.


I get pretty crazy at these eatin contests and my showmanship really comes out. After I ate every plate I would point out into the crowd like Elvis while doing my famous hip gyrations and then lick the plate clean and spike it like a football! I was on fire and the sellout crowd of 24 people loved it!


Then the Fat Lady Ruined It


I was sitting besides Natalie Jebitt and when I say I was sitting beside her I really mean that I was sitting besides several feet of her blown out lard thighs. Natalie is by far the biggest woman in the Everglades and probably the entire U.S. not counting Rosie O’Donnell who I have not seen in awhile but I am sure Rosie at least weighs a couple tons or more by now. Natalie is one of those ladies who always breaths heavy even if she is just watching T.V. She has to push up on a table to get out of her chair and always snaps the table in half even though the table was made of lighter pine.


Hell, the last booth she sat in was at the Sonny’s and she got so stuck that our local retired military helicopter pilot, Squirely Jones, had to come in and airlift her to Edward’s Lumber to be sawed out of the dangum table.


She is HUGE!


Well we were about half way through the 14 minute time limit and I was destroying everyone and the only keeping up with me was Natalie. She was huffing and sucking the liver down and I really was feeling the heat from all the gravy that was sprayed across her body. Gravy shrapnel was literally cooking on her body!


I think she tried to eat the plate or all four livers went down her throat at once or her over worked tonsils couldn’t take it anymore. Either way she keeled over and turned purple form the lack of oxygen because she  was choking. Mind you she had always been purple since she got such crappy circulation to her head but now she wasn’t breathing either.


Natalie Caused the Tidal Wave in Phuk You Thailand


I am pretty sure that when she hit the ground it was enough to start the groundswell of waves that ultimately destroyed Phuk You, Thailand with a tidal wave. It sounded like the garbage truck dumping a dead elephant in the back of the rig on an early quiet morning.




Peolpe in our town to this day still swear that tremors come out of nowhere and blame her. It’s like she knocked the earths crust loose right below the Everglades.


She Tasted Like the Fried Food Portion of the Ponderosa Buffet


Everyone else had a concussion from the shock wave but I was ok since I am married to heavy woman and know how to handle the biggins. I saw she was choking and I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I jumped on top of her huge body and started to give her mouth to mouth but considering the amount of gravy in her mouth I really didn’t mind


I felt like I was making out with the fried food portion of the Ponderosa buffet while pushing down on both hands like I was trying to push on  a bounce house at your kid’s birthday party.


After several long gravy filled breaths she spat up what looked like a small gravy covered goat and was back to life.


Everyone breathed a sigh of relief except Natalie. She seized the opportunity to eat more of her liver because I was having  trouble gettin my appetite back. The judges never enacted Section 5.2 of the by laws which clearly states that time and eatin should be stopped due to any contestants medical reasons.


I can tell you that everything she spit up got ate and then some. She flat-out beat me fair and square. You can never leave it up to judges and I did! Never again!


You can bet next year I am going to let her choke!


Well, that’s about it!




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I used to Cast Net for Plankton


Once I got booted out of Vo-Tech, I had to find a new way to make money. My buddy Clint Snicker had just saw some fishing show on PBS and decided that we could make a living catching plankton with a cast net and then selling them to Sea World for a pretty penny.


Clint has always been more of a business man, having several different businesses before our plankton cast netting business which is why I trusted him.


I mean, if you can run a garage sale every weekend, paint fire hydrants during the day and at night repair flip-flops you are just like Donald Trump in my book.


Cast Netting For Plankton is Not Easy!


It took us a couple months to find out where the plankton where at in the water, mainly because they are really,really small. After a couple months our boat smelled like a mixture of shaved ass hair coooked over an open diesel flame with a shtiload of Everglades seasoning.


Once we found the plankton it was all a matter of catching them and we were going to be millionaires. We were on top of the plankton for months throwing all of Clint’s different cast nets but they all sucked!


Plankton Are Slippery Bastards


Those plankton are slippery and  they always managed to escape our nets. They are very elusive creatures! After 6 months in the Gulf of Mexico we had caught 9 plankton.


Clint and I had a heart to heart after our boat got sunk by Hurricane Reggie. We decided to sell our supplies to Clint’s cousin, and then contacted Sea World to sell our 9 plankton.


They were cool about it and paid us $.09 even though we were never even a licensed a plankton dealer.


And that’s about it.

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I am a Three Time Indian Poker Champion


Now I had been a gambler all my life. In fact one of my favorite songs happens to be the “Gambler” by Kenny Rogers and I love his chicken too. I’d nibble on the lint out of Harley’s belly button just to get one sniff of that stuff. That’s some good eatin’.


Speaking of eating, several years ago me and Harley just happened to be at the Seminole Gaming Palace in Immokalee celebrating the first time we killed and ate our first raccoon together.


Those were precious times in our early relationship, I was a cocky iron jockey fresh out of the plankton fields and she liked to eat everything she could get her hands on. So coon eatin’ was right up our alley, and it was easy.  I could leave just some garbage out and then Bam! Dinner would just show up.


Cheif One Nut and the Eagle Claw

Well, Harley was hitting the Jack Daniels and Mountain Dew pretty hard and ended up talking a boatload of smack to Chief One Nut of the Withacootchie Tribe and by the end of her shit talk, some how I was smack dab in the middle of a high stakes Indian Poker match.


Did you know that the loser of this particular brand of poker has to remove a testicle with an eagle claw? Well I didn’t but I guess that’s how The Chief got his name. He wasn’t a good gambler at all. Well he drew an 8 of spades and stuck it to his forehead for all to see. Everyone knew his card except Chief One Nut.


That’s where my years of truth bendin’ came in. I knew his 8 couldn’t beat the card I had on my forehead, mostly because I could tell I had a 10 of hearts through ole one nut’s mirrored Eric Estrada Mirror Shades, but partly because I am 1/3 psychic ranger too.


Everglades Seasoning and the Rhine Stone Interstate Battery Jacket

Anyways, I ended up winning $250 and a lifetime supply of Everglades Seasoning and Chief One Nut had to remove another nibblet (I guess he had three nuts when he started gambling so he has one more left to go and he won’t be making any little squaws).


The best part about winning is that I now have the all the Everglades Seasoning I need for our Sunday Raccoon Special for the rest of our lives. Not to mention the Rhine Stone Interstate Battery Jacket Harley bought with my winnings.


It sure does make her tooth sparkle!


They brought me back the next three years in a row for their yearly “Indian Poker Nut-Off”. After I won three years in a row single handedly being responsible for 47 nuts being cut off by an Eagle claw I had to stop. I just started feeling bad.


Anyways that’s about it.

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Getting crazy at the Vo-Tech


Life started to get really fun for me when I started at the Vo-Tech. I studied Engine Assembly and really worked hard at it. The class was two semesters long and the first semester is how to dissemble an engine. I kicked ass at that and was at the top of my class.

Now mind you the top of the class was being #1 out of 5 people and one of them was in a wheelchair. I guess he got into some kind of accident with a Sarlo push mower when he tried to mow over a couple concrete blocks in his yard. He was a good dude but looking under the hood wasn’t his speciality if you get me.


Bullshit Red Tape


Life was going good and then a bunch of bullshit red tape got in the way of my engine building success. When 2nd semester started up they wanted more money and I couldn’t pay them so they kicked me out. That sucked because I can take an engine apart quicker than my wife can spend $10 at Dairy Queen but I haven’t the slightest idea of how to put the engine back together.


To me it just didn’t make sense to kick me out for not paying. I offered many solutions to our problem like washing everyone’s trucks for a month, wearing a sign on body and direct traffic into the school for their $2.95 oil change and lube special. Man, I racked my brain for hours trying to figure out how to stay there but the powers to be at Vo-Tech weren’t having it.


So I got the boot! 


The One Thing They Can’t Take Away


I still hold the record for the fastest dissemble of a 1982 Thunderbird ever recorded at Everglades Vo-Tech! Suck on that one future Vo-Tech Engine Disassemblers! Ronny Tucker set the bar so high that no one will ever reach it and I don’t give  ashit if you pole vaulted in high schooll. I also got a kick ass trophy that was about a foot tall and had engine parts spread out over a fake brass floor.


I was never really able to use that trophy to get a job as an engine disassembler because no one wanted someone that could only take apart an engine. If that shit happened today I could probably sue someone for discrimination or something.


You know it all happened for a reason and I was able to start another learngin experience called Plankton Castnetting.


Oh yeah, I almost forgot! When I was in Vo-Tech I saved Julie Simpson’s, no relation to Jessica (trust me), life at the Liver and Onion’s 100! I can’t believe I almost forgot that!

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How I Met My Wife Harley Tucker


I’ll never forget the day I laid my eyes on Harley Powerbottom! The instant our eyes met I got a sick feeling deep in my gut and it wasn’t because of love or lust. I felt sick because she was ugly as hell. Seriously… she had a bad case of the shingles and it made her look like Freddy Kruger.


I was walking into Circle K to buy a grape soda and she was in the candy aisle holding a PB Max. Damn I love me some PB Maxxes! Anyways my buddy Clint Snicker was with me and he knew her from high school. Clint has always been the lady’s man so he introduce me to her since he wouldn’t touch her with your arm.


Pure Country and Harley Tucker


I was floored when Clint said her name was Harley Powerbottom! First off I thought Powerbottom was some nickname the boys gave her because she was a slut or something but it really was her maiden name! Secondly and more important was that her first name was Harley! Harley! Ever since I watched Dusty Chandler sing “I Cross My Heart” I have wanted to marry a girl named Harley! I don’t give a damn how big she is…..…Harley Tucker is a sexy no matter what language it is spoken in. It makes little Ronny stand at attention every time I hear it. I would gladly spend the rest of my life pretending she is good looking than be with a woman named Donna or Mable.


Now for one second don’t think my Harley looks like Dusty’s Harley, it’s not even close. It would be like saying that my name is Ronny so I must be blind like Ronnie Milsap. I’m not blind and my wife ain’t hot but her name is now Harley Tucker! Dream come true. Check!


Mother Love Bone


Anyways, Our first date went great! I bought us a pint of Richards Wild Irish Rose and a bag of Beech Nut and made sweet love to her in the back seat of “Mother Love Bone”, my 1978 Chevy El Camino. You know the great thing about the El Camino was its convenience combined with a little bit of badass. I miss her dearly. We actually consummated our friendship just outside of the Everglades City Farmers Market and U-Pick Stand, the exact spot where I met Charlie Daniels just 12 months prior. Coincidence… I highly doubt it.


After dating for a months we decided to get hitched at the Pic’n’Run where the local Notary, Bernie McGirk, worked.


Since we got hitched Harley has put on an extra 158 pounds and she calls them happy pounds. The pounds are happy because they are always getting new friends everyday. Damn that ole girl loves to eat but I love her!


I’m All In!


We have been married for over 20 years now and it is still the same. We co-exist and occasionally get drunk and hump.


That’s about it.

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I was the Terrorist Stopper of the Year in 2005!


Did I tell you guys about this? Probably not so here is a good one!


Saturday was just another day at the Everglades City Swamp Cabbage Festival when I decided to be a hero. It really wasn’t a choice but more of a reaction that ended up being a hero move.


Ali Baba Muqtaba bin Saleem thought it was just going to be a normal routine suicide bombing when he paid his $5 to enter the Festival where Harley and I was hanging out. Ali’s plan was very simple and precise, blow himself up and kill as many Americans as he could. He did not care if there were women and children around when he detonated the 200 pounds of explosives that were strapped to his chest since he believed that they should die too.


Warning to Terrorist: Stay away from the Swamp Cabbage Festival!


Saleem is a devout terrorist and hater of liberty loving swamp cabbage eaters. He also has deep ties to Osama Bin Laden. Saleem is Bin Laden’s 8th nephew’s third cousin of his 15th wife and also the leader of the terrorist group El Gaiuda Post 48 branch of Everglades City.


Saleem decided that to kill as many Americans as possible he should execute his plan at the height of the Festival which is always when John Anderson takes the stage to belt out “Seminole Wind”. Once Anderson took the stage Saleem started to make his move from the back of the festival where he was hanging out by the Ring Toss.


He had no idea what was about to happen next and neither did I.


You don’t mess up Seminole Wind by John Anderson!


Me and Harley were sitting by the snow cone machine listening to John Anderson when I saw something suspicious.  I saw this real tan guy walking by me, we made eye contact and all the hairs on my neck, back, feet and butt stood up like someone had electrocuted ‘em. I just knew I didn’t like the fella and I wanted to punch him. So I did!


I did not know what I was stopping but I guess it would have been the largest terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11. I was working on my 23rd Busch Light when this all happened so I was pretty shitfaced. Thankfully Billy Garter who was selling turkey legs by the Elephant Ear cart said that  I just looked up and yelled “Don’t walk in front of me when John Anderson is singing!”. Billy said I then gave the guy a text book Hacksaw Jim Duggan clothesline followed up with the Hulk Hogan leg drop.


After I knocked him out, I guess, I  stood over top of him, chugged my Busch Light and said “Long Live Dale!” I was so drunk I really don’t remember most of it but thankfully Billy saw it all. My wife by the way was on her third turkey leg and didn’t see any of it. Thanks honey!


I get asked all the time about what made me knock him out and it came down to me not liking him by just looking at him. I ain’t no racist but his skin was real dark and it made me think he was doing something bad. I reckon I was right about that because he was going to ruin the John Anderson concert and then I would be have been really pissed!


Terrorist Plot Stopper of the Year


Can you believe that Everglades City renamed the world famous Figure 8 School Bus Race Track after me! It’s now called Ronny Tucker Race Track!!  At the Renamin Ceremony, Dog the Bounty Hunter presented me with the award of Terrorist Plot Stopper of the Year Award in 2005!! What an honor!

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One of the Greatest days of my Life!


Did I ever tell you guys about May 26 2001? It may have been just another day to some, but to me it was one of the turning points in my life.


The Highlands County Tractor Rodeo was known to produce some of the best operators in the country. This was my opportunity to show my constituents that I was worth more than $8.75 an hour too. There were 3 categories, Grave Diggin’, Vertical Grading, and Bra snappin’.


My work was more cut out than the benign melanoma on my inner thigh.


Grave Diggin 


Mac Trutwin was the fastest Hoe operator in the south and I knew If I were to win I would have to take him out of the equation. It just so happens he has irritable bowl syndrome so all I had to do was give him some of grandma’s habenero Mexican chili for breakfast and I was golden.


After he shit himself I was able to dig the hole, lower down the Commemorative Elvis Rhinestone Coffin and backfill it in 2 minutes flat, winning the event hands down.


Vertical Grading


The vertical grading event was a little more difficult. Randy Newman was a grader operator for Joe Buck Grading and Tractor service for 36 years and he could cut a road faster than Billy Dee Williams could cut a line of coke while chugging a forty of Shlitz.


So there I was neck and neck in the final stretch with 4 other Iron jockeys in our dust when Randy’s CAT 140 busted a hydraulic hose and sent the blade straight down cutting off the head of a Rattle Headed Copper Moccasin and costing him 4 diesel points. Victory was mine!


Bra Snappin


I was so jacked up from the first two event victories that I was sure the good Lord was rigging this thing for me. Highlands County put a twist on this year’s rodeo being that there was a blowup sex doll as part of winning the final event. As long as you didn’t puncture her pleather skin when unhooking her bra she was all yours.


It’ might sound easy after all they didn’t call me Ronnie Bras-nap for nothing; Imagine using a 47,000 pound Track Hoe with a thumb to declasp those boobie bags. Well I must have been possessed by Hank Sr. himself because I unsnapped that brazier quicker than you could sing “Roll on Highway”.



I won that year’s most versatile Iron Jockey award and all around best at everything award. To this day it sends chills up my butt crack when I think about it.


There is just something about destroying the earth’s landscape that brings me close to the good Lord.

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