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Archive for the ‘Life and Times of Ronny Tucker’ Category

Avatar

 

Saw Avatar Sunday with my buddy Cheeto Taylor. We went to the IMAXX in Estero and had to wear these big 3-d glasses.

Cheeto thought it was the coolest thing ever because he never took off his Oakleys the whole time while he wore those stupid 3-d glasses.

I normally don’t review movies but this one was special, especially because I paid $20 for a ticket!

Anways the movie was really good even though it was longer than the  line at Circle K when they mark down Moon Pies!

The blue people are flat-out nuts. They have hair that hooks up with plants and animals, they are forty feet tall and the woman have small titties.

I would have loved to seen Predator come out the Tree of Dreams, or whatever it was called, shooting his cannons at the chick from Alien.

You can’t hide from the Predator Sihorny Weaver!

Spolier Alert—They all die!!

Just kidding!

I can recommend this movie but make sure you take a dump and a piss before you walk in the movie because it as long as our dinners at Sonny’s all you can pulled pork night.

Adios!

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Everglades Winter

 

Sometimes in Florida it gets colder than shit! Last night a cold front came through it got down to 40 degrees in the Everglades

Thankfully my wife, Harley Tucker, is huge and she just laid on me all night so I stayed warm. 

I thought at first she wanted to do a little up and down tango mamba if you know what I mean? 

She really was just trying to get to my Big Gulp of Mountain Dew that I have on the side of my bed and fell asleep reaching for it. 

Poor old girl loves her some Mountain Dew but damn near suffocated me. Think she bruised my ribs and maybe shattered my spleen. 

I have no damn idea where my spleen is or what it does but something hurts in my ribble area. 

Anyways, I am going to see Avatar this weekend with my buddy Cheeto Taylor so that should be interesting. 

Hopefully it ain’t some Hollywood preaching story about what a horrible human being I am. 

Anyways this has been Ronny Tucker saying “Half price milk ain’t all it’s cracked up to be”

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Luanne Platter

I love you!

 

RIP Luanne Platter!

She was pronounced dead at the age of 32 years old from cardiac arrest.

How the hell does a 32 year old die of cardiac arrest? I hope the cops are looking real hard for Buckley or Rad! I know one of them boys was in on it!

Luanne, your sweet voice will be missed by millions of your fans.

There will never be another like you and there never should be because they broke the mold when they made you!

Luanne also played the voice for Brittany Murphy.

God I am going to miss those red spandex!!

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I Saved a Fat Ladies Life at The Liver and Onion’s 100 Eatin Contest

 

Yeah I know it ain’t cool to call someone fat but when she costs you your third straight Liver and Onion’s Classic Championship you get a little bitter! So here’s the story of this big ole woman who spoiled my Threepeat

 

The Table Was Set and She Came to Eat

 

I had already won the Liver and Onion’s two years in a row and was looking to make it a third. The plates came out piping hot and I purposely didnt eat for three hours so I was starving. Suzie Badwick was serving me my portions four plates at a time and she knew to keep them coming because I meant business.

 

I get pretty crazy at these eatin contests and my showmanship really comes out. After I ate every plate I would point out into the crowd like Elvis while doing my famous hip gyrations and then lick the plate clean and spike it like a football! I was on fire and the sellout crowd of 24 people loved it!

 

Then the Fat Lady Ruined It

 

I was sitting besides Natalie Jebitt and when I say I was sitting beside her I really mean that I was sitting besides several feet of her blown out lard thighs. Natalie is by far the biggest woman in the Everglades and probably the entire U.S. not counting Rosie O’Donnell who I have not seen in awhile but I am sure Rosie at least weighs a couple tons or more by now. Natalie is one of those ladies who always breaths heavy even if she is just watching T.V. She has to push up on a table to get out of her chair and always snaps the table in half even though the table was made of lighter pine.

 

Hell, the last booth she sat in was at the Sonny’s and she got so stuck that our local retired military helicopter pilot, Squirely Jones, had to come in and airlift her to Edward’s Lumber to be sawed out of the dangum table.

 

She is HUGE!

 

Well we were about half way through the 14 minute time limit and I was destroying everyone and the only keeping up with me was Natalie. She was huffing and sucking the liver down and I really was feeling the heat from all the gravy that was sprayed across her body. Gravy shrapnel was literally cooking on her body!

 

I think she tried to eat the plate or all four livers went down her throat at once or her over worked tonsils couldn’t take it anymore. Either way she keeled over and turned purple form the lack of oxygen because she  was choking. Mind you she had always been purple since she got such crappy circulation to her head but now she wasn’t breathing either.

 

Natalie Caused the Tidal Wave in Phuk You Thailand

 

I am pretty sure that when she hit the ground it was enough to start the groundswell of waves that ultimately destroyed Phuk You, Thailand with a tidal wave. It sounded like the garbage truck dumping a dead elephant in the back of the rig on an early quiet morning.

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

 

Peolpe in our town to this day still swear that tremors come out of nowhere and blame her. It’s like she knocked the earths crust loose right below the Everglades.

 

She Tasted Like the Fried Food Portion of the Ponderosa Buffet

 

Everyone else had a concussion from the shock wave but I was ok since I am married to heavy woman and know how to handle the biggins. I saw she was choking and I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I jumped on top of her huge body and started to give her mouth to mouth but considering the amount of gravy in her mouth I really didn’t mind

 

I felt like I was making out with the fried food portion of the Ponderosa buffet while pushing down on both hands like I was trying to push on  a bounce house at your kid’s birthday party.

 

After several long gravy filled breaths she spat up what looked like a small gravy covered goat and was back to life.

 

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief except Natalie. She seized the opportunity to eat more of her liver because I was having  trouble gettin my appetite back. The judges never enacted Section 5.2 of the by laws which clearly states that time and eatin should be stopped due to any contestants medical reasons.

 

I can tell you that everything she spit up got ate and then some. She flat-out beat me fair and square. You can never leave it up to judges and I did! Never again!

 

You can bet next year I am going to let her choke!

 

Well, that’s about it!

 

 

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I used to Cast Net for Plankton

 

Once I got booted out of Vo-Tech, I had to find a new way to make money. My buddy Clint Snicker had just saw some fishing show on PBS and decided that we could make a living catching plankton with a cast net and then selling them to Sea World for a pretty penny.

 

Clint has always been more of a business man, having several different businesses before our plankton cast netting business which is why I trusted him.

 

I mean, if you can run a garage sale every weekend, paint fire hydrants during the day and at night repair flip-flops you are just like Donald Trump in my book.

 

Cast Netting For Plankton is Not Easy!

 

It took us a couple months to find out where the plankton where at in the water, mainly because they are really,really small. After a couple months our boat smelled like a mixture of shaved ass hair coooked over an open diesel flame with a shtiload of Everglades seasoning.

 

Once we found the plankton it was all a matter of catching them and we were going to be millionaires. We were on top of the plankton for months throwing all of Clint’s different cast nets but they all sucked!

 

Plankton Are Slippery Bastards

 

Those plankton are slippery and  they always managed to escape our nets. They are very elusive creatures! After 6 months in the Gulf of Mexico we had caught 9 plankton.

 

Clint and I had a heart to heart after our boat got sunk by Hurricane Reggie. We decided to sell our supplies to Clint’s cousin, and then contacted Sea World to sell our 9 plankton.

 

They were cool about it and paid us $.09 even though we were never even a licensed a plankton dealer.

 

And that’s about it.

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I am a Three Time Indian Poker Champion

 

Now I had been a gambler all my life. In fact one of my favorite songs happens to be the “Gambler” by Kenny Rogers and I love his chicken too. I’d nibble on the lint out of Harley’s belly button just to get one sniff of that stuff. That’s some good eatin’.

 

Speaking of eating, several years ago me and Harley just happened to be at the Seminole Gaming Palace in Immokalee celebrating the first time we killed and ate our first raccoon together.

 

Those were precious times in our early relationship, I was a cocky iron jockey fresh out of the plankton fields and she liked to eat everything she could get her hands on. So coon eatin’ was right up our alley, and it was easy.  I could leave just some garbage out and then Bam! Dinner would just show up.

 

Cheif One Nut and the Eagle Claw

 
Well, Harley was hitting the Jack Daniels and Mountain Dew pretty hard and ended up talking a boatload of smack to Chief One Nut of the Withacootchie Tribe and by the end of her shit talk, some how I was smack dab in the middle of a high stakes Indian Poker match.

 

Did you know that the loser of this particular brand of poker has to remove a testicle with an eagle claw? Well I didn’t but I guess that’s how The Chief got his name. He wasn’t a good gambler at all. Well he drew an 8 of spades and stuck it to his forehead for all to see. Everyone knew his card except Chief One Nut.

 

That’s where my years of truth bendin’ came in. I knew his 8 couldn’t beat the card I had on my forehead, mostly because I could tell I had a 10 of hearts through ole one nut’s mirrored Eric Estrada Mirror Shades, but partly because I am 1/3 psychic ranger too.

 

Everglades Seasoning and the Rhine Stone Interstate Battery Jacket

 
Anyways, I ended up winning $250 and a lifetime supply of Everglades Seasoning and Chief One Nut had to remove another nibblet (I guess he had three nuts when he started gambling so he has one more left to go and he won’t be making any little squaws).

 

The best part about winning is that I now have the all the Everglades Seasoning I need for our Sunday Raccoon Special for the rest of our lives. Not to mention the Rhine Stone Interstate Battery Jacket Harley bought with my winnings.

 

It sure does make her tooth sparkle!

 

They brought me back the next three years in a row for their yearly “Indian Poker Nut-Off”. After I won three years in a row single handedly being responsible for 47 nuts being cut off by an Eagle claw I had to stop. I just started feeling bad.

 

Anyways that’s about it.

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Getting crazy at the Vo-Tech

 

Life started to get really fun for me when I started at the Vo-Tech. I studied Engine Assembly and really worked hard at it. The class was two semesters long and the first semester is how to dissemble an engine. I kicked ass at that and was at the top of my class.

Now mind you the top of the class was being #1 out of 5 people and one of them was in a wheelchair. I guess he got into some kind of accident with a Sarlo push mower when he tried to mow over a couple concrete blocks in his yard. He was a good dude but looking under the hood wasn’t his speciality if you get me.

 

Bullshit Red Tape

 

Life was going good and then a bunch of bullshit red tape got in the way of my engine building success. When 2nd semester started up they wanted more money and I couldn’t pay them so they kicked me out. That sucked because I can take an engine apart quicker than my wife can spend $10 at Dairy Queen but I haven’t the slightest idea of how to put the engine back together.

 

To me it just didn’t make sense to kick me out for not paying. I offered many solutions to our problem like washing everyone’s trucks for a month, wearing a sign on body and direct traffic into the school for their $2.95 oil change and lube special. Man, I racked my brain for hours trying to figure out how to stay there but the powers to be at Vo-Tech weren’t having it.

 

So I got the boot! 

 

The One Thing They Can’t Take Away

 

I still hold the record for the fastest dissemble of a 1982 Thunderbird ever recorded at Everglades Vo-Tech! Suck on that one future Vo-Tech Engine Disassemblers! Ronny Tucker set the bar so high that no one will ever reach it and I don’t give  ashit if you pole vaulted in high schooll. I also got a kick ass trophy that was about a foot tall and had engine parts spread out over a fake brass floor.

 

I was never really able to use that trophy to get a job as an engine disassembler because no one wanted someone that could only take apart an engine. If that shit happened today I could probably sue someone for discrimination or something.

 

You know it all happened for a reason and I was able to start another learngin experience called Plankton Castnetting.

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! When I was in Vo-Tech I saved Julie Simpson’s, no relation to Jessica (trust me), life at the Liver and Onion’s 100! I can’t believe I almost forgot that!

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