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Posts Tagged ‘Everglades City’

Everglades Winter

 

Sometimes in Florida it gets colder than shit! Last night a cold front came through it got down to 40 degrees in the Everglades

Thankfully my wife, Harley Tucker, is huge and she just laid on me all night so I stayed warm. 

I thought at first she wanted to do a little up and down tango mamba if you know what I mean? 

She really was just trying to get to my Big Gulp of Mountain Dew that I have on the side of my bed and fell asleep reaching for it. 

Poor old girl loves her some Mountain Dew but damn near suffocated me. Think she bruised my ribs and maybe shattered my spleen. 

I have no damn idea where my spleen is or what it does but something hurts in my ribble area. 

Anyways, I am going to see Avatar this weekend with my buddy Cheeto Taylor so that should be interesting. 

Hopefully it ain’t some Hollywood preaching story about what a horrible human being I am. 

Anyways this has been Ronny Tucker saying “Half price milk ain’t all it’s cracked up to be”

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I Saved a Fat Ladies Life at The Liver and Onion’s 100 Eatin Contest

 

Yeah I know it ain’t cool to call someone fat but when she costs you your third straight Liver and Onion’s Classic Championship you get a little bitter! So here’s the story of this big ole woman who spoiled my Threepeat

 

The Table Was Set and She Came to Eat

 

I had already won the Liver and Onion’s two years in a row and was looking to make it a third. The plates came out piping hot and I purposely didnt eat for three hours so I was starving. Suzie Badwick was serving me my portions four plates at a time and she knew to keep them coming because I meant business.

 

I get pretty crazy at these eatin contests and my showmanship really comes out. After I ate every plate I would point out into the crowd like Elvis while doing my famous hip gyrations and then lick the plate clean and spike it like a football! I was on fire and the sellout crowd of 24 people loved it!

 

Then the Fat Lady Ruined It

 

I was sitting besides Natalie Jebitt and when I say I was sitting beside her I really mean that I was sitting besides several feet of her blown out lard thighs. Natalie is by far the biggest woman in the Everglades and probably the entire U.S. not counting Rosie O’Donnell who I have not seen in awhile but I am sure Rosie at least weighs a couple tons or more by now. Natalie is one of those ladies who always breaths heavy even if she is just watching T.V. She has to push up on a table to get out of her chair and always snaps the table in half even though the table was made of lighter pine.

 

Hell, the last booth she sat in was at the Sonny’s and she got so stuck that our local retired military helicopter pilot, Squirely Jones, had to come in and airlift her to Edward’s Lumber to be sawed out of the dangum table.

 

She is HUGE!

 

Well we were about half way through the 14 minute time limit and I was destroying everyone and the only keeping up with me was Natalie. She was huffing and sucking the liver down and I really was feeling the heat from all the gravy that was sprayed across her body. Gravy shrapnel was literally cooking on her body!

 

I think she tried to eat the plate or all four livers went down her throat at once or her over worked tonsils couldn’t take it anymore. Either way she keeled over and turned purple form the lack of oxygen because she  was choking. Mind you she had always been purple since she got such crappy circulation to her head but now she wasn’t breathing either.

 

Natalie Caused the Tidal Wave in Phuk You Thailand

 

I am pretty sure that when she hit the ground it was enough to start the groundswell of waves that ultimately destroyed Phuk You, Thailand with a tidal wave. It sounded like the garbage truck dumping a dead elephant in the back of the rig on an early quiet morning.

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

 

Peolpe in our town to this day still swear that tremors come out of nowhere and blame her. It’s like she knocked the earths crust loose right below the Everglades.

 

She Tasted Like the Fried Food Portion of the Ponderosa Buffet

 

Everyone else had a concussion from the shock wave but I was ok since I am married to heavy woman and know how to handle the biggins. I saw she was choking and I did what anyone else would do in my situation. I jumped on top of her huge body and started to give her mouth to mouth but considering the amount of gravy in her mouth I really didn’t mind

 

I felt like I was making out with the fried food portion of the Ponderosa buffet while pushing down on both hands like I was trying to push on  a bounce house at your kid’s birthday party.

 

After several long gravy filled breaths she spat up what looked like a small gravy covered goat and was back to life.

 

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief except Natalie. She seized the opportunity to eat more of her liver because I was having  trouble gettin my appetite back. The judges never enacted Section 5.2 of the by laws which clearly states that time and eatin should be stopped due to any contestants medical reasons.

 

I can tell you that everything she spit up got ate and then some. She flat-out beat me fair and square. You can never leave it up to judges and I did! Never again!

 

You can bet next year I am going to let her choke!

 

Well, that’s about it!

 

 

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Getting crazy at the Vo-Tech

 

Life started to get really fun for me when I started at the Vo-Tech. I studied Engine Assembly and really worked hard at it. The class was two semesters long and the first semester is how to dissemble an engine. I kicked ass at that and was at the top of my class.

Now mind you the top of the class was being #1 out of 5 people and one of them was in a wheelchair. I guess he got into some kind of accident with a Sarlo push mower when he tried to mow over a couple concrete blocks in his yard. He was a good dude but looking under the hood wasn’t his speciality if you get me.

 

Bullshit Red Tape

 

Life was going good and then a bunch of bullshit red tape got in the way of my engine building success. When 2nd semester started up they wanted more money and I couldn’t pay them so they kicked me out. That sucked because I can take an engine apart quicker than my wife can spend $10 at Dairy Queen but I haven’t the slightest idea of how to put the engine back together.

 

To me it just didn’t make sense to kick me out for not paying. I offered many solutions to our problem like washing everyone’s trucks for a month, wearing a sign on body and direct traffic into the school for their $2.95 oil change and lube special. Man, I racked my brain for hours trying to figure out how to stay there but the powers to be at Vo-Tech weren’t having it.

 

So I got the boot! 

 

The One Thing They Can’t Take Away

 

I still hold the record for the fastest dissemble of a 1982 Thunderbird ever recorded at Everglades Vo-Tech! Suck on that one future Vo-Tech Engine Disassemblers! Ronny Tucker set the bar so high that no one will ever reach it and I don’t give  ashit if you pole vaulted in high schooll. I also got a kick ass trophy that was about a foot tall and had engine parts spread out over a fake brass floor.

 

I was never really able to use that trophy to get a job as an engine disassembler because no one wanted someone that could only take apart an engine. If that shit happened today I could probably sue someone for discrimination or something.

 

You know it all happened for a reason and I was able to start another learngin experience called Plankton Castnetting.

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! When I was in Vo-Tech I saved Julie Simpson’s, no relation to Jessica (trust me), life at the Liver and Onion’s 100! I can’t believe I almost forgot that!

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This is Ronny Tucker from HillbillyHygiene.com and this week I am reviewing Jack Blacks “Face Buff Energizing Scrub”.

 

 

First off, “buffing your face”?? Huh?? Jack Black being an experienced comedic actor should know better than to treat your nose like the hood of 1978 Ford T-Bird. Something happened to that guy since he did that movie “Shallow Hal”. He went from being a funny fat actor to sellin products that make guys worry about their “congested pores and dead facial cells”. Him and Arnold need to work together on my dream movie “Commando Two: Taliban No More” so they can both get their cahones back.

 

Anyways, check out the main ingredients on the bottle: Vitamin C, licorice and Menthol I wonder if I’m putting rocket fuel mixed with a swig of O.J. and a twizzler on my face. Now I got to remind you that this product smells like my 7 year old niece before she goes off to school. Notice I said before she goes to school and not after because the poor girl smells like the Skunk Ape when she gets home. The stink can only be stopped by taking a bath in Tomato Juice and hot sauce before she goes to bed. Damn kids at school call her Red Skinned Rhonda but she’s a good girl.

 

Anyways, this has been Ronny Tucker from HillBillyHygiene.com saying “Beans, Butter and Cardboard”

 

And that’s about it.

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 This is Ronny Tucker of www.HillbillyHygiene.com and this week I reviewed “Molton-Brown Radiant Lili-Pili Hairwash”.

 

 

 

 

At first I thought my old lady Harley was playing a trick on me when she said that there was a HAIRWASH named Lili-Pili. I didn’t even have to open the bottle to know what it smelled like. I’d bet a dime to a doughnut that within five minutes of putting this stuff in your hair, you’d be wearing a headband, tight shorts and a red tank top dancing around with that afro headed Richard Simmons.

 

Now I ain’t got no problem with Richard Simmons but I just don’t want to look like him or actually act like him either. Seems like a nice guy though.

 

Now “Lili-Pili” came from the Australian Rain Forest……Am I the only one that didn’t know Australia had a rain forest? I need to watch Crocodile Dundee again because I musta missed that part because I couldn’t stop staring at that Shelia girl.

 

Anyways, I guess Molton-Brown found a way to bottle the whole rainforest and turn it into an expensive shampoo. Good for them I guess? This stuff also has rice vinegar in it which would probably taste good on your fried catfish but shouldn’t be going in your hair. That is of course unless you get concrete in your hair then everyone knows you can use vinegar and WD-40 and it will come right out.

 

Now that piece of advice didn’t cost you $28 like this bottle so you’re welcome.

 

Thats about it!

 

This has been Ronny Tucker from www.HillbillyHygiene.com saying “Kill the Koala”.

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 This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com with this weeks product review of  “Philip B Scent of Santa Fe Shampoo”

 

 

 

Now I don’t know if any of yall have been to Mexico but it don’t smell like something you want to put in your hair. I mean for the love of HeyZeus why would anyone want their hair to smell like donkeys and burritos.

 

My buddy Hairlip Miles used this stuff and the next thing ya know the old boy was dancing the Macarena to a Mariachi Band at his daughters Quinceanos and hell she is only three.

 

Now an unknown fact is that this stuff comes from the Sangre De Cristo Mountains which is the exact same place where that Chupacabre feller lives that kills goats and steals chicken eggs. Many people who are dumber than Ronny don’t knwo that the Latin translation of Chupacabre is Guta-Malyan which actually means small Mexican with sharp pointy teeth.

 

With that being said I can only recommend this product to hobos and hairlips.

 

So this has been Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com saying “Adios Verde Zapatos!!”

 

Thats about it!

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 This is Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com with this week’s product review of “Schwarzkopf Professional Men Vitalizing Shampoo”.
 
 
Just like the price of diesel the stuff SUCKS!

 

Well how the mighty have fallen. How does a great American hero go from a 4 star general in Desert Storm to Sgt. Shampoo in 17 years. I mean in 1991 Stormin Norman beat Sadam Hussien like a Jeff Gordon Fan at an Earnhardt rally and now he is peddling follicle volumizer.

 

This just in….Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf is balder than an Arkansas Chestnut. What does he do? Put a bunch of Patriot Missiles in each bottle to intercept split ends like they’re Scud Missiles. So here’s the deal Schwazrkopf is a genuine military legend that really never finished the job just like his crap shampoo.

 

Just like the price of diesel the stuff SUCKS!

This has been Ronny Tucker from www.HillBillyHygiene.com saying “God Bless America and Beef Jerky”

 

Thats about it!

 

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